A bit more chop today with little whitecaps and more rock and roll. Didn’t get out of bed til 10:30. That warm rocking cocoon was just too sweet to leave… but I did and then returned as if pulled by a giant magnet until 2:30 in the afternoon. That I am sleeping so well and so long tells me I need the rest and that I need the rocking so I’m letting myself have it. Also we’ve lost an hour each night and I think it’s catching up with me.
The ‘desk’ here in my cabin is a thick glass shelf spanning two of the built in cabinets. There’s a ceiling-to-floor mirror on the wall so that as I sit and type, if I look up from the keys, there I am! It occurs to me that I’m going to get to know myself in an entirely new way on this voyage! With the light coming in on my left, every wrinkle on that side of my face is illuminated and seems exaggerated. I look pretty good when I put some make up on and look at myself in a softly lit bathroom mirror. But this natural light is too honest. It’s interesting to me that I have more going on on the left side of my face than the right and I realize, looking at myself, that I have a way of grinning on the left side of my mouth…thus more wrinkles; and I also notice that I can see Grandma Williams’ twinkle in my eyes. I wonder how in the world I got to be 73 years old!
Later – after finishing the process of choosing and signing up for day trips in Accra, Morocco and I forget where else, I went to the LifeLongLearners evening meeting, had a glass of wine then went to dinner with Susan and several others. At the LLL meeting, Eileen had the group resume telling about themselves in more detail. I sat there listening and shrinking back into my seat, hoping I could just pass when it came my time. I got a reprieve but oh my! We heard from: a lawyer, a retired teacher who now works as a messenger between the house and the senate of her state – Kentucky; a young woman who’s on board with her husband, two little boys and her father-in-law - she’s a business woman who owns three or four corporations and has participated in many iron wo-man triathlons or whatever and looks like a 19year old; another retired teacher whose accomplishments have something to do with helping troubled companies come back to life. I was to be next. All the time sitting there listening, I was thinking, I can’t talk about myself. I don’t want to tell the truth of my life: the 8 kids and the cancer, etc, especially after the Global Studies speech the other day in which the guy was talking about the over-population and how it impacts sustainability and all that. What else is there to say about myself vis-à-vis Eileen who was a Fulbright scholar and all these other accomplished folks. I’m an actor? Really! Do you do films or do you work on the stage? I’m a writer? No kidding? What kind of books have you written? I’m a potter? Do sell your work in a gallery? Well………………….. (I know, studio friends, I know!)
John was right, Liz, you are a beautiful woman. I can see that you are when I glance up and look at you –wrinkles and all - in the mirror here at my desk.
I just took a Melatonin. It’s 10:30 and I’m suffering, I think, from ocean lag ( we had to advance our clocks yet again last night). I think I’d like to get up for breakfast tomorrow. Hell I missed both breakfast and lunch today. Good. But I feel like I need to get on a schedule. Why? Well. You know. I don’t want to sleep away this whole trip – oops, ‘voyage’. What would be wrong with that? If your body and soul need to sleep, let them. Well, you know, in a flash we’ll be in Spain. What am I going to do, sleep through our time in Spain? So what if you do?
I’ve been increasingly anxious about being confused, forgetful, not hearing or grasping what people have said, about not knowing where I’m supposed to be at any given time. Where does it say I’m supposed to do anything on this ship? It’s just that there’s a lot of orientation stuff, administrative stuff. The calendar they passed out is in such a small font I can’t read it … and do you think I know where I put my new little lighted magnifying glass? Not. This afternoon I went down, no up, to the beauty salon just to check it out. FYI: it’s full service, including massages- hooray. I knew I took my glasses with me. When I got back to my cabin, I looked everywhere for them to no avail. Called the salon. They hadn’t found them. An hour later I looked down and there they were, hanging from the vee of my shirt! That kind of thing is SO FRUSTRATING. It’s part of this business of getting old – the inconveniences of not hearing well, not remembering. Whew. These things I do not like.
When I checked my e-mails (I actually managed to do that!) there were two from Frank Tomaino – one listed all the sins of ‘newly canonized St. Ted Kennedy’. I stopped reading and hit the ‘junk’ button. Sorry, Frank.
The ship rocks and I just want to go get in my cradle.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
It feels like this is going to be over too soon. The sky cleared around 2 this afternoon so I sat out on my balcony for a while in my bathing suit with sunscreen all over me. The sun was hot. Read a while. Looked out at the water mostly. Close to the ship under the foam the water is the color of the Caribbean or the color of the ice on the rocks we’d see going up to the Pocono house. It’s so, so beautiful as is the deep marine blue, navy blue of the rest of the ocean. The things I think about when I look at the waves seem trite: it’s a metaphor – duh. But I just love the ocean: being on it, looking at it, listening to it, rocking on it. There was a sailboat off the starboard side when I returned to my cabin from lunch today. Not a very big boat …maybe 40 feet long though I’m really not a judge. Who’s on it?, I wondered. Could they be relatives of mine from Ireland or Denmark? When a little white cap disappears into the blue, I get it, that inter-connectedness they’re talking about so much these days. One little bubble in the Atlantic today could have been part of the rain falling in Texas when I was a kid! Hell, specs of ash from Greg’s forehead or something are probably floating by out there! I know John’s not out there yet cause he’s still sitting in a little box on the book case at home.
Milton Orris, a fellow LLL and a journalist by trade, gave a symposium last night… I think it will become a class of sorts…on creative non-fiction writing, or journaling. He writes journal in the morning and gratitude journal in the evening. He recommends discipline as to time of day and regularity – with room for exceptions – and says to try to stay positive. I’ve been staying away from writing journal. The computer thing has had me crazy, so that’s a negative topic; also I find there’s pressure for me in being with people so much. I want to give myself a chance to pick and choose – to find the folks I’m comfortable with. Some of the ones I’ve talked to, though very nice and pleasant, are, let’s face it, academic types. Their language is on the formal side and they talk a lot about their reading or publishing or traveling. Then there are prim and propers – lovely ladies with lovely outfits and makeup – the kind who would never say the s word let alone the f word, except for Gretchen (age 77) who’s already said a couple of curse words, like hell and damn. Her husband, Ray, has speech aphasia, I think she called it. He has difficulty getting words out. Sad. He’s a handsome guy, but seems pretty lonely. Gretchen told me this is a precurser to dementia. Kind of like ALS or Alzheimer’s, I suppose. Anyway, I like Gretchen…knew that I liked her the first time I talked to her. Nothing prim and proper about her. This is their 7th voyage, I think she said. They know and love all the ‘guys’ (the stewards etc). She’s going to be a good resource for me.
I don’t mean to be so harsh on the prims and the propers of the world. I really do love ‘em; heck some of my best friends are prims and propers like, Mary Mora and Claudia and Corrine and Mary S., and Judy T, and, and, and… you know who you are.
I’m going to the Captain’s Dinner tonight at 7:30! It will be the first of several he hosts during the voyage. Gotta get dressed up but didn’t bring anything very dressy. What I brought will have to do. Gotta talk to people like you do at a cocktail party. I’m uncomfortable about that… no man to help me out, to pick up the slack, to hide behind. It feels like it will bework. Though yesterday when I went up to the bar-b-q on the pool deck, I sat down at the empty bar stool next to a guy who was talking to some woman on his left. The kids were all over the place, some large groups, some diads and triads, some were dangling their feet in one of the kiddie pools, a choice few dancing fabulously. The gal departed and the guy turned to me and introduced himself as Nick. I looked at the name tag dangling from a lanyard around his neck: Innanu…something or other. I recognized it because yesterday afternoon I read through the faculty names and bios. ‘Oh I know who you are!” I exclaimed. “You’re a big mucky-muck! I was just reading about you. You’re the…” “…executive dean.”, he helped me out. “Yeah, you’re a big shot.” He laughed. So I asked him about which voyage this is for him and where he comes from- the usual questions. “Oh yes, I remember, you’re the kinesiologist!” “Well, not really.” He replied. “I’m mainly in public health. That’s just some…” blah blah – obviously not wanting to be pegged a kinesiologist.. but not getting on any academic high horse either. We were both amused by our exchange; it was short and sweet and fun.
So that little conversation was fine. I told him about the 4 kids being alumnae and about how it’s now my turn. Very pleasant. I was relieved it didn’t go any farther, because these little getting-to-know-you conversations invariably end up with me having to indicate I agree with people or act like I know what they’re talking about, when in fact, I don’t have a clue. I can’t keep up with these people!!! “When I was in graduate school…” or I was in Prague (or somewhere) working on my doctorate thesis or dissertation, whichever it is); and the head of the department asked me to…; or when I was dean at the University of Such and Such…”
What am I supposed to say? “Well: I was drunk on Scotch and Rusty Nails the night my 6th was born and we’d gone out to dinner with friends and were driving over bumpy dirt roads to induce my labor and I woke up with one of those kidney shaped plastic dishes next to my shoulder and learned that I had another baby girl. Must have been vomiting, heh, heh.” I DON’T THINK SO. But that baby girl has turned out to be a magnificent woman who, along with her siblings, is contributing to the world each in a very special way
This is a bitch because I wouldn’t mind sending this entry to my blog for some people to read but not for all on my list. How‘m I gonna do this? Parents of little ones, censor for me and I’ll try to clean up my mouth. I don’t want to have to be writing four or five different things every day. Milt was talking about that last night: audience. Know who you’re communicating to. (Dangling participle?).
The Atlantic crossing is almost over - we’ll be in Spain on Friday morning! Amazing.
If I’m feeling nervous and a little scared, it’s natural and normal, I believe. So I’ve talked about it here. Better than letting the fear and sense of inferiority linger and ferment.
Hell I went to the Captain’s dinner tonight! I looked good in my black pants, sheer black and white tunic, my Taryn Rose shoes, my eye makeup and my lipstick and my Route de The` perfume from Barney’s!. I talked to enough people and it was very pleasant in spite of the fact that being a woman alone is a new role for me…one I’m going to have to get accustomed to. Food was good; conversation was interesting, centering mostly on Stephan’s input. He’s the officer in charge of hotel services. It was fun picking his brain about how things work on board the ship as well in his personal life with so much of his time spent at sea. He’s from Hamburg Germany originally and now he, his wife and two little ones live in Thailand. He talked about the staff, most of whom are from the Philipines.When Stephan said “Hamburg” I was reminded of the morning I was awakened by the sound of men speaking German. We had crossed the Atlantic and arrived in Hamburg, on oure way to St. Benoit, France – the excitement of my 15 year-old lifetime.
Ellen and Rob Vaughn – they were the first folks I spoke to when I came into the lounge for cocktails and we were at the same table for dinner. He’s a prof at UVA and she worked for years at a hospital in Charlottesville and created a program that serves kids who are facing surgery, among other things. I told her about Super Sibs and will for sure give her Melanie’s address etc. Ripple effect at work. Lovely. Proof that good can come out of life’s difficulties. Also at my table were Tim (IT guy) and his wife, Brenda, the librarian and Greg and Wanda who teaches anthropology. All very nice people. It was a wonderful evening.
At noon and again at 6 pm, that’s 1200 and 1800 – ahem, a lady comes on the loudspeaker and makes announcements. I don’t always catch what she says, of course, but I heard her say that the sea was 14,000 feet deep!!!! Hey Greg, wanna go snorkeling? Remember that day in the Galapagos? What a day, baby, Huh?
I’ve received e-mails from some of you but haven’t had time to respond to them. I probably won’t be able to do that, but if you ask a question, I’ll try to answer it and include it in the blog and I’ll try to direct things now and then to individuals. I miss all of you so much – family – biological and step, friends, studio...special sugar from Greg,Emily,Lindsey,Grace,Annabel,Elle,Cole,Leo,Luca,Elia…oh yes, I miss you all and love you all so much. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy as can be to be going around the world on the EXPLORER. Am I blessed by all of you and by this? Oh my. Thank you, God, Whoever You are.
And a VERY SPECIAL NOTE TO AN OH-SO-SPECIAL PERSON I LOVE SO VERY MUCH: KATHY, MY FIRST BORN, WHO AS OF SEPT. 1ST HAS BEAUTIFULLY GRACED THIS EARTH FOR HER FIRST 50 YEARS! LOVE YOU, KATHY!
MOM, LIZ, MOMMALIZ XXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO: Mary Lucille, Audrey, Carol D, Bonnie and…oh lord, who else was born in Aug or Sept? HB to you, too!
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